Figuring out who’s telling the truth in a household can be a crapshoot. At least if your place is anything like mine with three teenagers who never do anything wrong and a middle-aged couple shouting orders like a drill sergeant.

Some version of “I thought you said you would (fill in the task)” and “You never told me to …” are uttered in my home almost as often as cuss words or, “Can I get some money?”

And it’s not just with the kids. The other morning my wife and I were getting ready for the day when I found the toothpaste tube on my sink mangled and mushed like it had been handled by Bigfoot.

“What the hell?” I asked while holding the tube like it was OJ’s glove.

“What’s the big deal?” My wife replied. “It’s toothpaste.”

“Yeah, but it’s my tube!”

“Well, it’s our tube,” she curtly said. “And we agreed when we had to share, we’d squeeze.”

This may sound like other bathroom disputes like who trounced around the floor with wet feet, or who put the toilet paper on the wrong way (rear pull), but I disagree.

You see, for most of my life, I too was a toothpaste tube mangler. It took me nearly 48 years to attain the level of refinement and dedication one gets only from creating a minty, plastic jelly roll, without a kink or bead of wasted paste.

Since then, the tube sitting on my sink has been tight rolled like Tiffany’s jeans, which is why I know I would have never agreed to such a thing. Even with that knowledge and the fact that the tube in question already had two rolls on the bottom, my beautiful bride doubled down on her claim.

“That is what we said, Wallahi!

Arabic for “Swear to God,” Wallahi is the word Muslim moms use when they really want the truth and men use to get out of the doghouse. That’s because lying on God’s name is serious business. In March Madness terms, a false “Wallahi” is a strong two or three seed in the bracket of sins.

According to traditions, a person who conveys a false report or oath will be sunk in depravity and surrounded by hell fire. And according to Surah Ali-‘Imran, “(As for) those who take a small price for the covenant of Allah and their own oaths-surely-they shall have no portion in the hereafter, and Allah will not speak to them, nor will He look upon them on the Day of Resurrection nor will He purify them, and they shall have a painful chastisement.” (3:77)

On Earth, the only known recourse for lying while using “Wallahi” is prayer and fasting for three days, but what do you do if your partner is confident she’s not lying?  In this case, I was compelled to match my wife’s Wallahi with one of my own.

It wasn’t the first time we had squared off, two paces apart like gunslingers. Both of us felt like we were armed with the truth, but I knew I was the only one to have it. Then, with a tilt of her pretty little head, I was reminded that water is wet and 1+1 = 2 only if my wife agrees.

So I smoothed the tube, placed it on my sink and gave her a peck on the cheek as I silently walked away.